writing in this space nobody but me can acsess is really nice, this is my journal, it is for me.
i dont have anything to put here, i just feel lonely.
i am currently not talking to joyce, but i probably should leave a message, there or maybe in sarah zedig's server. just fucking anywhere someone can see... someone who has been here, in my place, can talk with me and help me chill out of this horrible, sick feeling blockade.
if i was someone else and i got sent this stuff, all this stuff about someone i cant fully know because im not in their head, i would love it. is that bad? to want to study people like this? to know their pains, to try to recomfort them. fucks sake i dont even know WHY i get obsessed with people. having an idea then acting upon it is not THAT hard but executive dysfunction(apparently) is just that big a problem that im still stuck here, but at least im doing the journaling thing again! i love it when i do that.
today's question is: what happened in 2019. i maintained 2 journals before this blog but the logs end in 2018. so what happened? i met dex in 2019 thats for sure... hummmm im gonna dig in some dms, BRB.
Here is what i learned
- looking in dms is self harm, dont look for proof tht you existed, just keep living or something
- and also there were things, valuable hobbies, fun things that i did, things i can remember but that took a while to do
and so i know that all this time i was trying my best, all these game attempts were worth it, all of my life is alright, i fall out of touch and back in touch of other friends and life continues and it is good. i think im good for tonight, back to monogatari it is.