1:48AM but 24 minutes ago(thanks neocities's last updated) forgot to put the time in, wow
Hi future me, welcome to Can't.
i also excessively log time to prove i exist, that something is happening. so here are the things i cant do in this state of mind
- go to sleep
- write (was internal screaming about not wanting to a minute ago becaue like, wheres the value? fuck i am way too scared about this, ok i am about to ditch the list idea hold up, gotta write like a few more things)
- Music (annoys me unless its very specific)
- Watch stuff
i feel wrong, rotten inside. there is an ominous feeling in my whole body, this is what it feels like to be tired for me, imagine a heavy form of fear, you feel more hot than usual and everything is completely wrong. WELL it ISINT but like... fuck. fuck this. hot and heavy and WEIRD, WRONG, BAD. IT MAKES ME THING I AM DYING. I ALWAYS THINK IM DYING.
so, about writing, everything i type is good, but i still cant make art for myself. the definition of good i am using here is "i will read this later, i will enjoy it, therefore it is good to me".
You see art cant really be bad, an idea can have many facets and someone can take the good and leave the bad, or ignore the bad and keep enjoying it in some way. i am defning bad here with "does not fit" i guess. bad for me is a lot of things, its a wrong feeling, its something like a bad joke because it isint funny and fuck, thats even more nebulous to describe, i cant describe my idea of spontaneity and say that its funny... i think i need an example
fuck it monogatari time
i need a damn example so we will pick this fucking thing lets go.
BAD : using
FUCk. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUKC FUCK FUCK FUCKF UCJFUC UFKCFUJCJFJFUCJFJJFUFBJKFNJJFJKFJCFFUFHHJFBKCKHVJLFGSEGYUIGUHUIHUIEHUIGHSRUISEHUISEGHUIHSEGAEFVYIA
so i tryed to write critique there like "hey the main character kissing a ghost of a 10 year old girl was fuckign weird, i dont care that she kissed him, i dont fucking know how to feel there like why is it presented as a heartfelt moment HOW DO I LIVE WITH ANIME BEING A THING AND GIVING ME GOOD CONCEPTS THEN FUCKING KILLING ME INSTANTLY WITH MANY TINY DEALY WEAPONS FUCK OFF" this is a problem with most fucking anime, it presents these fucking things as inconsequential or like in this example a fucking wonderful moment. oh no we will never see her again, death is scary WHY THE KISS WHY IN LOVE I DONT UNDERSTAND i cant understand dammit.. fuck
i dont have the mental energy to process things, even good things like anodyne 2. because its too much? art is ALWAYS too much for me, its the biggest deal, i dont know how to pace myself, i dont tihnk i know anyways, i did not try to write something, but it would probably be too meandering, too scattered, is that a bad thing? well there WAS that one post and im, like is this fun to read? i dont wanna try rn. it dosnet LOOK like it. right this post might be a mess too, not enough line break WHO GIVES A SHIT THIS IS FOR ME UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... maybe i should go reread that post, but i dont wanna, hot and heavy and BAD NOT HEAVY SICK LIKE A COLD, BAD BAD WRONG TIRED BAD