12:30 AM

Good morning joyce, i love you

Thank you for promising to see me, thank you for talking to me, thank you for telling me im cute, thank you for giving me hope, i think i dont deserve it, but i keep forgetting we all deserve love.


actually, why not detour into that insecurity. Hey future me, whatever you are called later, if you are even called something idkf, wait no why am i referring to future me, what i want is past me to tell me if. UGH STUPID STOP, just stop screensharing its fine, just give the finished post later, ITS FINE. ok, screenshare is closed, and i dont feel fine, nothing feels fine, all i feel is dread.

as i type this, im in a chat with my girlfriends, talking to noah, thinking about what loopy said about my relashionship being "easyer to break" i should get the quote for posterity

1:10 AM

Misc zone will be unused, this is misc now, this is everything, this is the flow, this is the pain, this is the hug, this is all i need, all i need is on the page. I love them but since i cant qualify an actual number, aqn actual value, im scared i dont love them enough. Since its joyce that does so much of the saying of "i love you", i forget to say it to CC and i feel guilty. Everytime i think about my name, i feel a void. Everytime i think about my friends, actually... i dont think about my friends anymore, i dont think about games, i dont think about art, the void is coming back, i dont want to raise the dosage, i dont think it will be magic, i want to solve this on my own, im scared, im so damn scared. im scared of them leaving me because im wrong, im scared of people shunning me becaue im wrong, im scared of being left alone, without any way to reach out to people, even if im bad at it. and most of all, i dont know what i want. my gender identity is a mess and i dont feel the comfort or space to try and express it, i feel liek anything i will make wont be good enough, i wont even start recording the footage for that sea of theives because i dont wanna what, be bothering in the call?..

What are you so afraid of?
-i am afraid of death.
Why do you think people will shun your art?
-i have intrusive thoughts, unpleasent ones that i do not act on, they are thoughts of murder, or hate, of pain but only towards others, i never want that to happen.
You will live tomorrow.
-What if my dad catches covid and comes home?
You will survive.
-No i wont, il die and dissapear, il die before i make art, il die before i come out, il die and il vanish, right then and there.
You know thats not true, you know you sleep fine, you know you have no health conditions that are damaging.
-But i cant beleive it, and i dont know why.
You should talk about it with your therapist.
-My therapist is a fucking insesitive dumb fuck who just walked all around the idea of calling my identity valid while dropping some useless fucking facts like "oh gender questionning is more frequent in autistic people" and why did you even HAVE TO START WITH "What is a woman" to the sentence "i might be a woman" LIKE COME THE FUCK ON, YOU DUMB FUCK, I DONT KNOW, I HAVE TO IDEA, i have no idea...
Then the social helper?
-Yeah great, guess il call her, even if i dont want to.

Damn bitch, you really need another misc zone?

Maybe not but you never know